DARE 1997 National CCD Conference

Everyones A Critic

Des Partridge

We should be able to meet that. We're a bit concerned about the level of the street parade. We're a bit sick of the decorated tractors which we had last time and so much crepe paper which we're really sick of seeing at these small town events. If we're going to have a gay and lesbian parade, it has to be something professional. Rupert's interested in acquiring this newspaper and he's looking for something at least as good as The Australian. We're happy to consider sponsorship probably on the basis of kind. We'll give plenty of editorial as long as we can get two free seats to give to two of our lucky readers on the evening.

Francis Greenslade

It's superb. Well, funding is in place. Now, Margie, you've got to organise the showcase of local acts. After consultation with the Bunglers, you discover that one of the issues that's most strongly felt by the community and especially by the RSL is the death of Princess Di. They want to do a homage to Di. They'll sing some of Elton John's songs with the words changed, "Somebody Didn't Save My Life Tonight" and "Saturday Night's All Right for Drunk Driving," etcetera. One of the oldest inhabitants claims her doggy did a poo that looks like Dodi and she's had that shellacked and wants the audience to hand it round while they sing their songs and they're going to finish with a rousing chorus of God Save the Queen. Deidre, is this building social capital, do you think?

Deidre Williams

Quite possibly so.

Francis Greenslade

Good, excellent. Armed with that encouragement, are you going to program this travesty of an artistic event?

Margie Fischer

Me?

Francis Greenslade

Yes.

Margie Fischer

Absolutely. I'm going to have a bevy of drag queens. Princess Di is incredibly appealing to the gay community so this actually unites them with the straight community much more because they both feel such grief and they're united by the Princess Di thing because of what she did for people with HIV as well as leprosy and all that stuff. So it actually brings them all together and a lot of the men in the community secretly like dressing up in women's clothes anyway and they're actually coming out now and the drag queens in the community are giving them lessons in cross-dressing. It's just working our brilliantly.

Sandy McCutcheon

Judy Garland

Margie Fischer

Yes, yes, they just love it.

Francis Greenslade

They're very happy about that but there must be a mole in the community because miles away in the nation's capital, Cantberra, parliament is sitting and questions are being asked as to why government money is being spent on singing the British National Anthem which is a particularly insensitive thing to do when we've just become a republic.

Margie Fischer

But we changed the words.

Francis Greenslade

No, it's too late. Finally, Australia's first president Darryl Somers writes to you and suggests - writes to you, Jock, suggesting that you won't be allowed to have a festival at all unless the singing of God Save the Queen is cut. Whatąs your response to that?

Jock McQueenie

I would go along with that.

Francis Greenslade

So no songs for Di. The RSL is sent away with a collective flea in their collective ear and told to think of something else. Well, another group comes to you, Margie, a young grunge band.

Margie Fischer

We're very upset by this. The gay and lesbian community don't think it actually refers to the Queen, they think it refers to drag queens and they're really upset.

Francis Greenslade

Okay. Well, put that in triplicate and I'll consider it later. Another group comes to you, Margie, and they're a young grunge band that have been frustrated by lack of demand for their services and they're working on a couple of original songs about life as a young person in an Australian country town in the nineties. Can they be part of the show?

Margie Fischer

Absolutely.

Francis Greenslade

Excellent. They'd like to finish with a cover version they want to do. Is that all right if they do a cover version to finish off their set?

Margie Fischer

Certainly. We'll put them on, we'll program them at a time when all the other young people are there. It will be fabulous.

Francis Greenslade

Fantastic. The cover version they want to do is the Sex Pistols' version of God Save the Queen. Are they allowed to do that?

Margie Fischer

Yes, because there's a lot of, you know, problems with young people in the town so I'm into letting them express themselves and a lot of them are gay and lesbian so I'm very keen on them.

Francis Greenslade

But you wouldn't let the RSL - the RSL aren't allowed to sing God Save the Queen so now they're a little bit peeved.

Margie Fischer

But I supported the RSL.

Francis Greenslade

You supported them but they're very, very cross and they go away thinking that it's any colour as long as it's republican so we've alienated one group in the community. Finally, the Vietnamese community come to you, Margie. There are two groups who want to perform. The first group want to do a traditional Vietnamese dance which depicts the planting and picking of rice and the second group is a younger urban rap group. Deidre, which do you think would be of most value to the program?

Deidre Williams

I don't really know.

Francis Greenslade

Margie, all right, we'll pass it on to you. They're very adamant that only one group - - -

Margie Fischer

Both of them because they both will do it for nothing so we'll have them. We'll have them because we need to fill the program up and it's culturally relevant and why not?

Francis Greenslade

I'll tell you why not, they're very adamant that only one group can perform.

Margie Fischer

They themselves are adamant?

Francis Greenslade

They themselves as a very small community, the Vietnamese community, they're all related and whichever group doesn't perform has to look after the shop and take care of the kids. So they both want to be in the performance but only one group can.

Margie Fischer

Oh.

Francis Greenslade

So are you going to choose the traditional Vietnamese dance?

Margie Fischer

Couldn't I reprogram?

Francis Greenslade

No, no, they're not going to push it, they're very polite. They don't want to actually get in anyone's way; the rap group or the Vietnamese traditional dance?

Margie Fischer

I can't combine them in the one performance?

Francis Greenslade

You could have a rap song about picking rice or a traditional Vietnamese dance about the dole, perhaps.

Margie Fischer

Couldn't I do some community cultural development and get them to work together?

Francis Greenslade

All right.

Margie Fischer

Yes, that's what would happen. They'd get it together.

Francis Greenslade

You avoided that moral quandary.

Margie Fischer

Exactly, someone else would rung the shop, probably me. The RSL would run the shop.

Francis Greenslade

The RSL will run the shop.

Margie Fischer

Great idea.

Francis Greenslade

Margie, it's you again, I'm afraid. You're being paid a pittance to organise this ungrateful lot into a program but just before you sign the contract the Belvoir Street Theatre Company contact you. They're doing a show called Country Roads about life in a country town. It's opening in Bungle at the same time as the Bunglefest. The director has fallen sick and they want you to take over. It's three months' contract for what is known in financial circles as a shitload of money. You read it, it's a great play, it's theatrical, risque, it's relevant, etcetera, it's one of the best plays you've ever read as Tim Fischer might say, it has bucketfuls of distinguishment. What are you going to do?

Margie Fischer

I'd do both because I'm a workaholic and I can.

Francis Greenslade

You can't do both, you can only do one. They open the same night.

Margie Fischer

I'd do the original one that I committed myself to.

Francis Greenslade

Well done.

Margie Fischer

Without any question.

Francis Greenslade

You still owe last month's rent, you can't pay the bills - - -

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