DARE 1997 National CCD Conference

Everyones A Critic

Margie Fischer

No, no, I wouldn't do it.

Francis Greenslade

...your overdraft is in the bank. No?

Margie Fischer

I'd still do what I set out to do first.

Francis Greenslade

Don't you have a duty to look after yourself as well as the community?

Margie Fischer

No, because I have made a commitment and I'd stick to it.

Francis Greenslade

Right. You're being very difficult, Margie, let me tell you.

Margie Fischer

Sorry. All right, do you want me to say - - -

Francis Greenslade

No, no, I want you to say what you said. Meanwhile the rehearsals for the dance piece directed by Mr K are proceeding very nicely, thank you. The centrepiece of this work is going to be a representation of the recent industrial dispute. In it the workers are shown being massacred slowly by two large puppets, half-human, half-cockroach. One puppet has the face of the owner of the beetroot plant and the other's features are unflatteringly yet unmistakably yours, Des Partridge, since the local community blames the media for the dispute just as much as it does the plant's owner.

Now, Sandy, you're in the production. You see Des at the local medial workers' piss-up and over a chilled Bundy and turps he asks you how it's going. What do you say to him? Are you going to tell him he's being vilified on stage?

Sandy McCutcheon

The thing I'd look forward to is your reaction to what we've done with some of the local characters and you know that old thing of the cartoonist, they only really ever pick on people that are close to people's hearts. You are going to find yourself in a really prominent situation and I think they've chosen you because they know you've got a heart big enough to take it.

Francis Greenslade

Des, you may be a little miffed at this information, I don't know. Are you going to report it in your paper that you're being vilified on stage?

Des Partridge

I wouldn't report it because I'm the editor-in-chief. I'd get one of my underlings to do it, probably in a column, to attack these organisers of this parade. My name isn't on the paper anywhere except relevant to electoral information so they don't know that I'm responding. But don't forget we've been covering this event and there has been such a turmoil that it's made page 1 news most of the period so it could be a publicity ploy that I'm going to resist because I think it's just another bid by them to get more attention because we've given them very good coverage and we also are involved with the Rugby League team, don't forget.

Francis Greenslade

As a consequence of this attack the owner of the plant gets to hear that he's being vilified as well and he rings you, Jock, in a fury to complain. He wants you to step in and cut the piece. What are you going to do?

Jock McQueenie

Censor the bastards.

Francis Greenslade

Censor them?

Jock McQueenie

Actually, no, I would tell them that he is interfering in the creative process and not to be such a wuss.

Francis Greenslade

Well, you receive a letter from the owner of the plant's law firm, Bashim and Collect, the gist of which letter is that unless the piece is dropped not only will funding be withdrawn but the city of Bungle will be sued for defamation since after the publicity it has been given by the paper the story has reached the national media. You're still going to keep the piece?

Jock McQueenie

Well - - -

Francis Greenslade

All right, I hadn't prepared for that. That's fine, the piece goes on. No matter. The concert is getting closer and closer. Margie, you're standing in front of the mirror one morning, just reflecting, when the phone rings. Mr K says, "There's a problem. Sandy McCutcheon is not coping with the demands of the dance." It must be that E he has been taking, I suspect. He thinks he may have to ask Jock to sack him and he wants your opinion. You hurry over to the rehearsals and unfortunately it's true. Sandy is sticking his left leg out when he should be sticking his right leg out. He is sticking his right arm in when he should be sticking his left arm in. He's doing the hokey-pokey when it's not really appropriate at all.

In short, he really can't do the choreography. It's no reflection on him at all to say while he's a talented author, playwright, talkback host, journalist he can't quite cut it as a contemporary dancer. Mr K wants to replace Sandy with his assistant choreographer. Margie, will you ring Jock and put the situation to him and recommend your preferred option.

Margie Fischer

Who am I ringing?

Francis Greenslade

You're ringing Jock, he's the executive producer.

Margie Fischer

Jock, I think we're going to have to get rid of Sandy because he's hopeless.

Jock McQueenie

Okay.

Margie Fischer

He's just - yes. He's - fine, thank you. Good on you. See, simple as that.

Sandy McCutcheon

Have you any idea how much I paid for those tights? I imported the bloody boots from Tasmania.

Margie Fischer

We will let you wear the tights around the streets and in the parade but you just can't be in the show, okay. I don't mind if you cry.

Francis Greenslade

So, Jock, you agree with Margie, he has got to go. So only those with a sufficient talent are permitted to take part in CCD projects. Sandy, you're - - -

Margie Fischer

No, no, hold on. Just a second, we had selection criteria and we did it all properly but he degenerated afterwards and he's just wrecking the whole project.

Francis Greenslade

He is, that's true.

Margie Fischer

So that's why we're getting rid of him.

Francis Greenslade

Sandy, you're upset at this, aren't you?

Sandy McCutcheon

I'm absolutely mortified.

Francis Greenslade

You go to Jock and persuade him to change his mind.

Sandy McCutcheon

Jock, I've put everything into this. I persuaded the town to come in behind it. I was the one who put up the idea about hiring out those railway carriages for the tourists who were going to come up from Melbourne, you know. The real estate people are happy. Everybody is happy. All the shops have been repainted. We're on the tourist map and because of that law suit that was going to be happening the town is on the map. We've got all of our friends in the other newspapers, you know, squashing that law firm. Even the football team is onside now, and you're going to axe your main supporter. I thought this was about democracy. It doesn't matter. Look, Mrs Higgins can't dance. She's - - -

Jock McQueenie

She has got to go as well.

Sandy McCutcheon

What?

Jock McQueenie

He has got to go as well.

Sandy McCutcheon

There's only four of us and the other two are the imports. The other two are the bloody choreographer and her mate.

Jock McQueenie

Okay, guv.

Sandy McCutcheon

Come on. Fair suck of the beet.

Jock McQueenie

Well, we're nothing if not democratic at the Trades and Labor Council, comrade, so we will reconvene the committee meeting. We will re-examine the situation and perhaps we can find another role for you in the project.

Sandy McCutcheon

If you put it through that committee I won't hear for a couple of years.

Jock McQueenie

That's right. That's the point.

Francis Greenslade

Deidre, what's more important, high quality product or impeccable application of process? You get the hard ones, I'm sorry.

Deidre Williams

I think what would happen would be that there would be some intensive workshops on the side to lift the standards of the people who are perhaps not quite there artistically and that the people who are getting paid huge amounts of money would do thousands of hours, stress out all over the place, and Sandy would just perform wonderfully on the night.

Margie Fischer

He would stop taking drugs.

Francis Greenslade

That's the clue.

Des Partridge

The newspaper has a solution to this dilemma as well. Sandy has been sacked but we invite him to be the critic of the performance on the evening.

Deidre Williams

Could I also say probably that locals would have thought Sandy was fabulous and Mr K probably would have thought he was terrible.

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